Serious gray

I am feeling low and sorry for myself right now, and trying to think of a way to be pitiful and amusing at the same time. Jerry Lewis did it. Lucille Ball did it. Why can't I do it too? No body can be happy all the time, except maybe gay people. Was that a joke? I am trying here.) Maybe I need to go out and spend money? That always makes me feel like I am doing something smart and sassy. (yeah, right. Who needs a job?)
Most people face sadness: regret disappointment, overwhelming circumstances, loss, loneliness, stuff like that. Am I allowed to feel stuff like that?
I need a good alter call about now. Do you know what an alter call is? An alter call comes at the end of a church service. Usually there was some great, bouncing worship. You sing all your favorite songs, all the best, most thought provoking hymns. And a simple refrain over and over, "He is worthy," begins to burn in the back of your throat. The words of the pastor after worship are particularly moving. Challenging. Along the lines of, "He made you in His image. If you walk with Him, you can be more like HIM. Are you letting Him be in control of your walk? Are you letting him be your LORD?" My two biggest stumbling blocks, self-discipline and selfishness, are with me daily, so my usual answer to this type of sermon is: NO. So as the more worship music begins to play, I am bawling my head off, tears ruining my Sunday face.
It has been a long time since my last alter call.





  1. Aww, I'm sorry you're feeling down. I hope you feel better soon.

    When I'm feeling this way, I always listen to my Jennifer Knapp CD. It's hip Christian music and her lyrics are written in a way that make you feel so loved by God (you can see them if you google her).

    So it would be kind of like an altar call!


  2. You can have your own private altar call, ya know? If you are sensing a need to fall on your knees before God don't let the lack of a pastor and a band keep you from it.

    It's funny that ablondeblogger mentioned Jennifer Knapp because I had one of her songs running through my head as I read your post.

    I hear you on the self discipline and selfishness. Those are two of my biggies also. I'll pray for both of us in that respect tonight.

  3. Just as I am and waiting not
    To rid my soul of one dark blot
    To Him whose blood can cleanse each spot
    O Lamb of God I come...
    I come...

    The music in the church where I go is made by mouth, not by instrument...

    I know the feeling of which you speak.

    Praying for you!

    Sending hugs too!

  4. You all are so kind!

  5. I'm praying for you, dear Sister in the Lord, and that I hope that the Lord will soon provide the lift and the perspective you need to see your way out of this. May many showers of blessing from heaven soon come your way.

  6. didn't the diet coke, chocolate and white tulips help?


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